Omg also totally unrelated but I read up on PDA for the first time today and I don't fully understand it yet, but some things were scarily fitting onto things in the category of "non-average behaviours I don't understand yet" 😭😭
Ohhh! So interesting! Which type do you identify with, e.g., using the example of resisting tiredness (probably a bit exaggerated/epitomized):
1. What does my body think it's doing, wanting to interrupt my work? Now I definitely won't stop! I'm not helpless! I have control over my sleep cycle!
2. My body is sending me a negative signal. My body hates me! My body is my enemy! I need to defend myself!
3. I am a top performer! I never get tired! No matter how long I've been awake, always top performance! People who get tired are pitiful/unworthy. I will never be seen publicly with them. That would be such a disgrace.
Reg entitlement: it was more of an intuitive, feelings-based relating, I couldn't even tell you if it's really true. I find asking for certain things really really scary, and I think in the past I have been more focused on "this is right and this wrong" than subjectivity
Maybe I'll ask my former long-term partner about that
"you were expecting normal treatment." – I related to that sentence regarding something I would've thought
I'm not sure how much I still relate to it now though, it's all gotten kinda meshed up
The idealization one was interesting – I think, as it tends to be the case with certain people, that's been kinda more hidden for me. I throw myself into new situations a lot, so it's not that obvious. I'm also not sure whether the thing I'm thinking of is the thing you mean by it or something that looks similar. But I'm pretty sure I've been having a being loved dependent on achievement and feeling I needed to be perfect to be loved thing. In the last year I have started to overcome that, leaning and exploring self acceptance, being confronted with my limits and needing help and not being able to do things, doing things imperfectly, preparing less, following my intuition etc
Asking them sounds like a great idea! I'm curious what they say! Did they show the same or overlapping patterns?
Gosh, yeah, asking for things is scary… on several levels. Asking for help is easier for me, I think.
> I throw myself into new situations a lot, so it's not that obvious.
Haha! Yes! That's so cool! Why does that make the idealization pattern less obvious?
> In the last year I have started to overcome that
Awwww! So cool! We've both grown a lot over the course of the year, it sounds like. My self-worth used to be greatly dependent on being useful, treating purpose like a drug. I had to learn to let go of perfectionism and train self-acceptance in particular in the moral domain.
They tended to react defensively often, but apart from that I don't see them in those
Asking for help I also find easier!
Because of this "Avoiding situations where imperfection might show. Controlling what others see." - I am, maybe obviously, very much okay with people seeing my flaws in some areas that I'm confident in, and one of those happens to be doing things I'm not good at yet, in certain contexts. I also frequently get told that people perceive me as very authentic, which I agree with, but I think part of what makes that easier is distancing myself from other's reactions, and not making myself vulnerable there
Glad to here you feel like you've grown there, good job! :)
What are areas where you're not confident about people seeing your flaws?
> part of what makes that easier is distancing myself from other's reactions, and not making myself vulnerable there
I wonder whether we have similar techniques for that?
If someone insults me (well-targeted status-related put down, not sadism), I'm mentally like, “Oh, you unhealed cutiepie, if you had better impulse control, you'd devalue me not out loud but in your head (like I'm doing it right now). But you'll get there. I'll take special care to make you feel safe. I'm your mom now.”
I'm really kind and warm about it, but I don't respect them as an equal at least in that moment. When I do, it hurts… Can't let the insult land.
Respectful feedback gives me feels, but it's okay, I can take it.
Read the whole post a couple of times. Very structured and insightful :)
I can testify to the benefits of Journaling and Meditation...
Awwww! Thank you! 😍
I have previously done good work on the idealisation one, and somewhat related to the entitlement one. This is interesting, I've never looked at that
Cool! 😍 What were your insights? (Disavowal is the one where I'm most expert. 😄)
Omg also totally unrelated but I read up on PDA for the first time today and I don't fully understand it yet, but some things were scarily fitting onto things in the category of "non-average behaviours I don't understand yet" 😭😭
Ohhh! So interesting! Which type do you identify with, e.g., using the example of resisting tiredness (probably a bit exaggerated/epitomized):
1. What does my body think it's doing, wanting to interrupt my work? Now I definitely won't stop! I'm not helpless! I have control over my sleep cycle!
2. My body is sending me a negative signal. My body hates me! My body is my enemy! I need to defend myself!
3. I am a top performer! I never get tired! No matter how long I've been awake, always top performance! People who get tired are pitiful/unworthy. I will never be seen publicly with them. That would be such a disgrace.
Reg entitlement: it was more of an intuitive, feelings-based relating, I couldn't even tell you if it's really true. I find asking for certain things really really scary, and I think in the past I have been more focused on "this is right and this wrong" than subjectivity
Maybe I'll ask my former long-term partner about that
"you were expecting normal treatment." – I related to that sentence regarding something I would've thought
I'm not sure how much I still relate to it now though, it's all gotten kinda meshed up
The idealization one was interesting – I think, as it tends to be the case with certain people, that's been kinda more hidden for me. I throw myself into new situations a lot, so it's not that obvious. I'm also not sure whether the thing I'm thinking of is the thing you mean by it or something that looks similar. But I'm pretty sure I've been having a being loved dependent on achievement and feeling I needed to be perfect to be loved thing. In the last year I have started to overcome that, leaning and exploring self acceptance, being confronted with my limits and needing help and not being able to do things, doing things imperfectly, preparing less, following my intuition etc
Asking them sounds like a great idea! I'm curious what they say! Did they show the same or overlapping patterns?
Gosh, yeah, asking for things is scary… on several levels. Asking for help is easier for me, I think.
> I throw myself into new situations a lot, so it's not that obvious.
Haha! Yes! That's so cool! Why does that make the idealization pattern less obvious?
> In the last year I have started to overcome that
Awwww! So cool! We've both grown a lot over the course of the year, it sounds like. My self-worth used to be greatly dependent on being useful, treating purpose like a drug. I had to learn to let go of perfectionism and train self-acceptance in particular in the moral domain.
They tended to react defensively often, but apart from that I don't see them in those
Asking for help I also find easier!
Because of this "Avoiding situations where imperfection might show. Controlling what others see." - I am, maybe obviously, very much okay with people seeing my flaws in some areas that I'm confident in, and one of those happens to be doing things I'm not good at yet, in certain contexts. I also frequently get told that people perceive me as very authentic, which I agree with, but I think part of what makes that easier is distancing myself from other's reactions, and not making myself vulnerable there
Glad to here you feel like you've grown there, good job! :)
What are areas where you're not confident about people seeing your flaws?
> part of what makes that easier is distancing myself from other's reactions, and not making myself vulnerable there
I wonder whether we have similar techniques for that?
If someone insults me (well-targeted status-related put down, not sadism), I'm mentally like, “Oh, you unhealed cutiepie, if you had better impulse control, you'd devalue me not out loud but in your head (like I'm doing it right now). But you'll get there. I'll take special care to make you feel safe. I'm your mom now.”
I'm really kind and warm about it, but I don't respect them as an equal at least in that moment. When I do, it hurts… Can't let the insult land.
Respectful feedback gives me feels, but it's okay, I can take it.
Any similarities? Or how do you do it?