Toward Effective Hybristophilia

How to support the recovery of your incarcerated friend or partner

Why Hybristophilia?

The attraction to those who have committed crimes, a predilection known as hybristophilia, is another one of those annoying terms that are so polysemic that they give set a run for its bankroll. I’ve identified four clusters of motivations that can drive it, which I will detail below.

For me the crux is that I think that hybristophilia can play a vital role in society to aid in the recovery of criminals.

For the recovery, it’s crucial that perpetrators acknowledge exactly what they’ve done without distortions, excuses, blame-shifting, or omissions, and find ways, usually with the help of a therapist, to reduce and replace any needs that might lead them to reoffend.

Traditionally, when someone commits heinous crimes like killing their own children, society splits into two groups:

1. those who vilify the perpetrator without even trying to put themselves into their shoes and

2. those who defend the perpetrator because they think they’re innocent.

But usually, when someone has been sentenced, they’re actually guilty of the crimes they’re accused of. So the only support that these criminals receive is predicated on the lies they told the court and perhaps themselves as part of their not-guilty plea. That creates strong incentives to keep the deception and self-deception alive.

Hybristophilia can provide a way out of this dilemma: For once someone is able to look reality in the eye, acknowledge the guilt of the criminal, and yet love them.

I think the prison system should capitalize on this opportunity to shorten sentences, aid reintegration, and prevent recidivism.

Communities such as Reddit’s /r/prisonpenpals allow members to befriend criminals and provide guidelines for how to do so safely. There used to be a dedicated /r/hybristophilia community too.

What are the types of hybristophilia?

Let’s break down the polysemy: Hybristophilia is really quite the umbrella term, so it’s helpful to first understand what might be driving the attraction. Most motivations can be grouped into four clusters.

• Cluster 1: The savior & healer. This is perhaps the most common motivation. It’s driven by a deep-seated desire to nurture, reform, and save the criminal. People in this group often see the wounded person behind the crime and believe their love can be the healing force that brings about redemption. Perhaps they have their own feelings of unworthiness and unlovability that they’re grappling with, and hope that performing herculean feats of love and healing can redeem them too or that being one of the world’s most accomplished healers can make up for all their perceived flaws.

• Cluster 2: The search for self. Sometimes, the attraction is less about the other person and more about what the relationship provides for one's own identity. This can involve feeling special for being the one person who has managed to tame a dangerous individual; or they might use the relationship as a mirror for their own “shadow side,” which they are too prudent to indulge; or they might seek to heal their own trauma by re-enacting it in a controlled way; or they might chase a feeling of moral superiority over someone.

• Cluster 3: The allure of the taboo. This cluster is driven by the thrill of it all. The attraction is to the danger, the rebellion, and the vicarious sense of freedom that comes from being with someone who lives entirely outside of society’s rules.

• Cluster 4: The pragmatist. These motivations are more about external benefits. This can range from sharing the media spotlight of a high-profile criminal to appreciating the “low-maintenance” nature of a relationship with someone who is incarcerated, which allows for a connection free from day-to-day complexities.

Who is this article for?

This guide is intended for individuals whose motivations align primarily with the savior & healer and the search for self.

If your primary drive is a genuine desire to support another person’s journey toward rehabilitation, the advice below can help you create a healthy and constructive dynamic.

The article is likely not helpful if your motivations fall squarely into the allure of the taboo or the pragmatist cluster. A relationship built on thrill-seeking or personal gain is unlikely to provide the stable, reality-grounded support necessary for recovery and can inadvertently glorify the very criminal identity the person needs to shed.

How to genuinely assist in their recovery?

Being a supportive partner to a recovering offender means consciously moving away from fantasy and grounding the relationship in the reality of their rehabilitation. Here are concrete attitudes and actions you can adopt.

1. Encourage professional help. If they aren’t already engaged in it, the single most important thing you can do is encourage them to seek therapy or participate in rehabilitative programs. You cannot be their therapist. Your role is to support the work they do with the professionals.

2. Promote radical accountability. This is crucial. Actively refuse to excuse, minimize, or romanticize their crime. Frame it as a choice that caused real harm. A supportive stance sounds like, “I care about the person you are becoming, and that’s why we have to be honest about the harm caused by the choices you made.”

3. Champion the “recovery identity.” A person in recovery is building a new sense of self. Show genuine excitement for this new identity. Celebrate their progress in therapy, their educational achievements, or their development of prosocial hobbies that replace their criminal ones. Gently redirect conversations that glorify their past criminal persona.

4. Model healthy communication. Many offenders have a history of poor emotional regulation. You can be a powerful role model by demonstrating how to handle disagreements constructively and respectfully.

5. Maintain rock-solid boundaries. Healthy boundaries are vital for both of you. Clearly communicate your limits on acceptable behavior. This isn’t about punishment; it’s about demonstrating what a respectful relationship looks like and protecting your own well-being.

6. Foster empathy for victims: This must be handled delicately, but it is a cornerstone of rehabilitation. Gently encourage them to consider the perspective of their victims, not to shame them, but to help them develop true remorse and understand the full consequences of their actions.

4. Further Caveats and Reality Checks

Engaging in a relationship with an incarcerated person comes with a unique set of challenges. The Getting Started with Prison Pen Pals guide offers an excellent reality check for newcomers. Bear in mind in particular:

1. Be wary of manipulation: The prison environment can foster manipulative behaviors. Be cautious about urgent requests for money, inconsistencies in their story, or attempts to make you feel guilty. Start slowly, build trust over time, and set a budget, be it $0.

2. Protect your personal safety: Use a P.O. box instead of your home address. Be mindful of the personal information you share until you have established a solid foundation of trust.

3. Prepare for a different pace: Communication is slow. Mail can be delayed, and phone calls are limited and monitored. This is not a typical relationship, and it requires immense patience.

4. Prioritize your own well-being: Supporting someone in recovery is emotionally taxing. It is essential to have your own support system – friends, family, or a therapist – to talk to. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Your own mental and emotional health must come first.

Ultimately, a healthy relationship that supports recovery is one built on honesty, mutual respect, and a shared commitment to a better future – not one built on the shadows of the past.